The sketch continued in this round-robin fashion, setting up exchanges like these:De Niro: “I am submitting these 380 pages.” Bryant: “I am writing almost four pages.” Baldwin: “I am reading zero pages, but Sean Hannity has read it and he was so excited that he texted me an eggplant.” De Niro: “On the charge of obstruction of justice, we have not drawn a definitive conclusion.” Bryant: “But I have, and my conclusion is: Trump’s clean as a whistle.” Baldwin: “Free at last, free at last.” De Niro: “As for conspiracy or collusion, there were several questionable incidences involving the president’s team, but we cannot prove a criminal connection.” Bryant: “No collusion, no diggity, no doubt.” Baldwin: [blows an air horn] De Niro: However, we have indicted 34 individuals in connection with this probe” Bryant: “Most of them, very good people.” Baldwin: “The pardons are already in the mail.” De Niro: “In conclusion it is my hope that this report will be made public, with a few redactions.” Bryant: “Hella redactions.” Baldwin: “We’re going to black out everything except the words ‘no’ and ‘collusion.’”“S.N.L.” returned to the subject of the Mueller report in another sketch later in the evening, this time from the perspective of the Russian president Vladimir Putin (Beck Bennett) as he sheepishly acknowledges to his underlings at the Kremlin that Trump is not one of his agents. Pleading his case to the North Korean leader Kim Jong-un (Bowen Yang, an “S.N.L.” staff writer) and an interpreter (played by guest host Sandra Oh), Bennett said, “We don’t know everything in the report yet. Plus, Mueller handed off a lot of stuff to the Southern District of New York. That’s where the real action is.”Interpreting for Yang, Oh replied to him, “Glorious Leader says you sound like Rachel Maddow right now.”Weekend Update Jokes of the Week

Source: New York Times March 31, 2019 06:45 UTC